School: My Story

I’ve been in private schools since pre-school, I went to about three different pre-schools. One Methodist based school, one Episcopal based school, and one non-denominational. Starting there I was bullied there to, not just the breaking crayons and taking toys, but getting sand thrown in the face, my hair pulled. Yeah, those things don’t seem all that bad anymore; but at the time they were traumatic.  The last pre-school I went to before Kindergarten was the best ever, I wasn’t bullied, I was happy there. Until the next year, when I went to another school for Elementary school.

During my years at my elementary school, I was bullied. Not the typical bullying either, sure I was called names, but I was also pushed around; by some of the middle to high schoolers as well. Not just those near my grade. I was called names; including: loser, scaredy cat, cry baby, etc… At the time I didn’t think much of it, I was always told that if I ignored them they wouldn’t see the fun in bullying me, but it didn’t work. If I didn’t react they would keep at it until I did. I couldn’t just block out my entire being at the time.

Kindergarten and First Grade were the easier years, we were little, there wasn’t really any major bullying then. We had fun then, the teachers were great, they didn’t put up with any name calling or pushing and shoving. In Second Grade things started going downhill slowly, the name-calling got worse, and I was just kinda ignored. A couple times in Spanish class the guys in the class would start name-calling fights, and I would always wind up in the middle of it. Not because I wanted to but because all the names were sent my way. Including: Stupid, ugly, crazy, retarded and cry baby. (That one came up a lot, probably because it was mostly accurate.)

Third Grade was OK to begin with, then one of my best friends got held back, and three of them left the school altogether. By the time I reached Fourth Grade, I was too scared to tell anyone about what was going on, about being shoved around, getting tire chips thrown at me. Being pushed off the slides etc…

Fifth Grade was where everything went down a very steep slope. I became slightly depressed; I was bullied because I wasn’t as “developed” as the two new girls who looked 16 at least. The teacher didn’t like me either, and would tell me I didn’t do my homework even when she was holding my paper in front of me; I couldn’t point it out either. I had only one friend that year, well I though I did, but I found out later that she wasn’t the type of friend I needed.

It took me five years to be able to open up to what all happened at that school. All of the bullying, getting pushed around by people older siblings. Name calling, etc…. I came home close to tears everyday. It didn’t matter what I did or what I said, I was never ‘good enough’. I always came short, never met the expectations. Later when I did tell my mom, she said if I had told her then she would have pulled me immediately, I wouldn’t have had to go through what I did, but I think if I didn’t go through that, I don’t know where I would be right now.

In a way it upset me that things were that bad in elementary school, when we should have been doing coloring pages and learning to add and subtract, I was dodging words, and sticks and stones. I was homeschooled in sixth grade, which was great, I could learn when I wanted to.

Then Seventh Grade rolled around; we decided to try a homeschool co-op; well, that was one of the worst years at any school type thing I had ever had; a close second to my Fifth Grade year. It was that year that I didn’t really see the point in even living; I was called names, the verbal abuse was worse than it was in fifth grade, which shouldn’t surprise anyone, we were older then.

One girl there must have set out to make my life a living hell there; and she was the “popular” one, the one everyone wanted to follow. So that is what they did, no matter the cost they wanted to be like her. Even someone I knew from my church turned against me just so he could fit in. I had only one friend there, and that was only because he was kind of made fun of as well. That year it also turned into some cyber bullying, I was bullied on facebook, in the comments of pictures I was tagged in.

I was called “gross”; “loser”, “disgusting”, etc… on Facebook comments.

I quit there as well, I just gave up became more depressed than I was already, beginning to feel worthless, my best friend had taken a separate path, one I didn’t want to follow, so I cut contact.

I was home schooled again in Eighth Grade. Which was an amazing break from everyone; except from family, but I could deal with them. For Ninth Grade I went to a school that was amazing in the beginning, my grades were decent, I had a couple friends, I even met my long distance BF online because of that school. I was happy, it wasn’t until Tenth grade, I got sick with a really bad cold and had to stay home, I lost so much time at school that I couldn’t make it up. I was failing most of my classes; people were ignoring me, talking about me behind my back. I only had two friends, one person acted like my friend some days, then one of his friends would show up, and I was out of the picture. Gone.

It was also Ninth grade that I was diagnosed with Linear Scleroderma, and I was put on medication that was not very nice to me. One was Prednisone, a disgusting medicine that can cause weight gain, luckily I was already way too skinny anyway. The other is Methotrexate, also not very fun, it made me sick while I was getting used to it.

So Tenth grade wasn’t fun, people didn’t outwardly avoid me, but they did ignore me. If I missed school at all, after I came back they would act like they missed me, even though they didn’t talk to me again after they said that. So near the end of my Tenth Grade year I dropped out and started home school again. It became too much stress, I couldn’t do it. I went downhill there to, because three months from finishing a years worth of school, I broke up with my long distance BF. I could barely function, I lost weight; became depressed, and reclusive.

At the beginning of Eleventh grade, I started at another homeschool co-op, this one is amazing, I’m still going there, it is made up  of others like me, people that were bullied, or just didn’t do well in a school. They accept me for who I am, but I don’t know if that is where I need to be either. I m almost a senior in Highschool, and I have no close what I want to go to school for, I don’t have enough credits to do much college wise, but I don’t know what I want to do, so I don’t know where I need to expand my credits.

All I know right now is that I am OK no matter what I do. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me; I’m just trying to tell you who I am; the best I can anyway.

Sorry about the length of this one. Thanks for reading!

Signed,

Anonymous

A Little Introduction

I should have introduced myself sooner, but I didn't think about it. As I have said in my welcoming post, this is mainly just a place for me to vent, and rant. As far as you, my readers are concerned I am Anonymous, I am a teenage girl that is just looking for an outlet. I don't always stay on one topic in my posts, but when I do, normally it is something that took a while to write. I haven't always been this open about who I am on this blog, but it is something I think will help me deal with my past a little better.
I don't need you to feel sorry for me, that will never be my goal. I just want a way for people to know the real me, and this is the easiest way for me to do that. Like most teenagers, whether they admit it or not, I'm scared. Why wouldn't I be? I'm approaching adulthood and I still don't have any plans for my life. Just the normal fears I guess, will I always have only a couple of friends, or will I have a more social life when I am in college? Will I ever find "the ONE"? All those thoughts run through my head, and this blog is for me to spill it all.

Every other week, I will be telling you, my readers, a little more about me, and about my past. Or at least that is my goal. I want to try to open up more about myself, as well as further my writing ability. I have another blog that I hope I can keep up with, it is all about my book that I am currently writing, and I would appreciate it if you would stop by and take a look here at the first couple chapters I have up. I don't think that I will publish is, until I get enough views daily on that blog. But the more feedback I get the better.
I have previously had a blog, under a similar name, however I failed  at keeping up with it. I was told by a couple people, that never even read it, that I should just give up and not bother, because people wouldn't want to read it. However, I'm back, and hoping that my reader base will expand, and I have realized that I am not writing for you, as my readers, I'm writing for me because I love to write, and I'm writing about me and my life because it is easiest for me to write, and I don't feel stressed about writing.

Thank you all who read this!

Signed,
Anonymous

Expectations

We all know people hold expectations when regarding other people. Our society has expectations of each of us. They all expect us to go to school, graduate, go to college and get a job. They expect us to fit in the mold set by predecessors before us. Well here are a few things you should know about people who society deems “failures” or even “most likely to wind up in jail”, “most likely to live at home until they are 45 years old” and blah blah blah. Well you know what? Some of the most famous scientists and inventors  were DROP OUTS.

For example:

Thomas Edison, he had only three MONTHS of formal education, yet he invented the light bulb, phonograph and motion picture camera.

Benjamin Franklin, he dropped out of school at age TEN and went to work for his father as a printer! Yet he was a  politician, diplomat, author, printer, publisher, scientist, inventor, founding father, and coauthor and cosigner of the Declaration of Independence.

Those are just a couple of people that were drop outs, that have done MORE than half of the people with a piece of paper saying that they graduated. But schooling isn’t the only expectation that people have. Some expectations are more based on what gender you are, especially for some people out there.

For instance, I was expected by people to be able to sew, clean and cook. Now, I know I can cook, and cook well; but I also love cooking. But cleaning? Sewing? I’d rather be out building something, or hunting, not stuck inside doing “women’s work” .  Sometimes people also have UNREALISTIC expectations, like expecting someone like me to be able to sit still in a classroom and not need to move around. I’m pretty sure with some testing someone would want to stick me on some meds or something like that for some not-really-there-ADD/ADHD thing for me…

There is nothing wrong with me, I just don’t learn in the general manner that everyone thinks everyone else should be able to learn in. I’m a hands on learner, I don’t learn well from books, even though I love to read. People seem to think I love to read therefore I love school, in fact I HATE school. But that’s another post altogether.

Back to expectations, what do expectations do for us? They can cause us disappointment, hurt, and can even push people away. Especially when you expect someone to follow their word, when they don’t. People have expected me to be just a good quiet girl; sometimes I feel like they have the “seen but not heard” type of girl in mind. But sorry to disappoint those people, I want my voice HEARD, I don’t like letting my opinion go to waste.

I don’t do “sittin’ pretty”; now I agree with people saying “women shouldn’t <fill in choice thing here>” but I don’t agree with “women CAN’T <fill in blank>”  We CAN do almost everything a man can, but whether we SHOULD is the question. So for those expecting us girls/women to do “women’s work”  you may be a bit disappointed, yeah, some women do like that type of stuff, others don’t. But some men like “women’s work” while some don’t.

Another thing I would like to mention in this one is the expectation of color PREFERENCES. The current society says it’s OK for girls to like a “boys” color, but it’s not OK for boys to like a “girls” color. I wasn't the cookie cutter little girl at all. I didn't like dolls, or Barbies; I liked toy cars, the toy tool bench instead of a toy kitchen. While some boys may like the dolls and the kitchen instead. That doesn't make them “gay” or “homosexual” if you really wanna be politically correct. I don’t agree with homosexuality, but I don’t see them as any less human.

So who cares if a boy likes pink, or a girl likes blue. It doesn't matter in the long run what their favorite color is.

Anyway, there goes my bunny trail… now that that is over with, back to expectations.

The society today says we should do this, or we should do that. Not even because it’s popular or whatever, but because it is what is expected of us. People expect girls to wear clothes that show WAY too much; just because they are girls. Unless of course you were raised in a strict “church family” then they expect you to dress covered from your ankles to your necks. There is rarely a median.

We need to stop “expecting” people to do something based on our PERSONAL preferences. People aren't going to drop everything they see as “right” because YOU don’t agree. Why judge someone? On something you don’t agree with PERSONALLY?

Signed,

Anonymous

Hello Everyone, and Welcome to my Crazy Life!

I guess I should start with a welcoming to my blog, but I think I'll just delve straight in.

I'm just another normal girl who wants her voice heard, but is too scared to say anything

outside of typing. I find it hard to communicate with other people, I'm quiet and reserved,

even if my friends don't think so.

I'm not just some girl who started a blog, I started a blog because I want to share my thoughts

and my pet-peeves and just other things I would otherwise sit and complain about in my quiet

ways.

I am going to say, that this will almost be like a journal in a way. It will be about me, and about my struggles during life, but I am also hoping that it will help other people who have gone through some of same things that I have.

For those who want to leave comments feel free, however if you leave: rude, inconsiderate and just plain unnecessary mean comments, will be deleted. I’m not writing to impress anyone, I write so I have a way to express myself. If you don’t like that, then keep it to yourself.

I will try to post every week, however, I can't guarantee that I can, sometimes unforeseen circumstances come up and I am unable to write.