Patience: An Anonymous Blogger Lesson

Sometime within this last week, I decided to make a second attempt at something I have been wanting to do for a couple years at least. But I have one problem, and it has nothing to do with WHAT I want to do, it has to do with ME. The thing is, if I can’t learn something practically overnight, I get depressed and my self-confidence goes down. After all, everyone else that I know that can do the things I try to do (and normally think I fail at), can do them practically perfectly. What I forget: They have spent the majority of their life getting to where they are, most of them started when they were very young. They have put countless hours of practice into perfecting their skills. So there is no way that I can do that in two or three days, no matter how fast of a learner I am. Like with school for instance, you can “learn” a whole lot in one day, but how much of that can you do perfectly, how many questions do you get wrong in the meantime. To learn something isn’t to just magically be able to do it one day, it’s the art of being able to have patience, and understand that you WILL make mistakes, nobody's perfect, even professionals have made mistakes.

Another example, at least with me, is drawing, I have always loved to draw, and I would think I was great at it until I saw someone else’s picture, then I would just shut down and go pout. Even now I still sometimes do that, but that is a topic for another post, another day.

Back to my original thought.

I have always wanted to play guitar, so I had recently picked up my guitar that I’ve had for a few years and found an App that I thought would be able to help me. After using the app for a while I realized that there is a set amount of time that you have to be able to progress through the lessons each day, that you can’t just blow through them all unless you buy a premium account. I was frustrated at that, because I wanted to learn it all overnight, I wanted to become a perfect guitar playing in only a couple of days. I was impatient. That night I had gone to bed, when I woke up the next day, I had more time allowance on the app. When I picked up my guitar, my skills had increased a little bit. Taking a break from learning allows your brain time to process and store all the information and techniques you have learned during the course of the day.

If you just cram everything in in a short amount of time, you won’t retain anything, unless of course you are like a computer that can remember anything you put into it.

I personally think I learned at least a little bit about what patience is, and WHY we need to learn it. Patience is two things, patience is an art form, and patience is a what allows potential to become reality, everyone has potential, but only a few make their potential their reality. If you try to take a shortcut, you’ll be cut short. That’s why sometimes things that are made in a factory by the thousands, have lower quality than those things that are handcrafted and take hours to complete.

You can’t rush learning, and you can’t rush life.

Signed,

Anonymous

Cosplay, the Tokyo in Tulsa Adventure: My Story

Well, let’s just say, Tokyo in Tulsa is my second favorite time of year, only beat by Christmas (no, it has nothing to do with any possible presents I may receive.) It’s a time of cosplay, (for those who don’t know, you dress up in costume as your favorite character from movies, games, anime, comics, you name it, someone has probably cosplayed as it.) friends, fan-girling and DRAMA. Not just any drama, cosplay drama, personal drama, and just plain petty drama. (Or is all drama kind of petty?)

The weekend started off pretty fun, Friday, July 17th, one day before my birthday, we get to Tokyo in Tulsa and we hurry up, then get to wait in line for 2+ hours. Made a few friends, though it was short lived. That day I was cosplaying as my own character in a game I have yet to play, it was fun because there was nothing that dictated what I had to look like. So therefore I got to be creative. After we all got our passes, I immediately went to the Vendor Hall to look around and see what all I could get. The first day I didn’t really get much of anything, since I did spend most of it running around just looking at all of the other cosplays, and getting all sorts of pictures (I will make a post consisting of said pictures, for those who are interested.)

Saturday comes along, and BAM! Here comes all the drama, its the big day! The day I can show off the cosplay my mom and I, and her ex boyfriend, and my best friend, and my aunt all worked on for who knows how long. The cosplay that was the product of all of our blood, sweat and tears (no really, literal blood, sweat and tears… lots of sweat and lots of tears.) I was Annie from League of Legends, and my moms now Ex boyfriend was supposed to be a giant bear named Tibbers.

We make it to the pre judging, and that is when the problems began. The guy that was supposed to be in this big cosplay was getting cold feet, scared he might lose his balance. The rest of the day, I was running around looking at everything with my best friend.

By the time the cosplay contest came around, I wasn’t having the best day I could have, I was worried that the cosplay contest might  be a complete disaster. We are getting all lined up back stage and we begin putting the costume on the guy that was supposed to be Tibbers, and he starts freaking out and backs down, despite the fact that we had gone over this over and over. So last minute, only 30 minutes or so until we get to go on stage, we have to change the cosplay to fit my best friend, who is six (6) inches shorter than the original. On top of that, the cosplay was falling apart, and quite frankly it wasn’t going well at all.

We manage to get the bear put together on my best friend and then it was our turn, I skipped out on stage, with Tibbers close (ish) behind. We had the LOUDEST reaction out of any of the cosplays that was in the contest. In the end though, we didn’t win, we didn’t even get mentioned. However, it was still a ton of fun!

Just a little update on me! Your loyal blogger!

Signed,

Anonymous

Selfishness

I know most of you reading this don’t see yourself as being a selfish person, most of us don’t actually. We like to believe that we are giving and are not self-centered. However, have you ever felt like as kids your parent(s) was centering everything you did together toward what someone else wanted? Well my mom was doing that today, and I was thinking how can she and her boyfriend be so selfish as to not do something I want to do, until I noticed, that I was being selfish for expecting them to do whatever I wanted to do.

Selfishness can show up in the most irritating places, and typically it slaps us in the face when we least expect it to. Like for me, it was today. How many more times have I been disappointed because they did something THEY wanted to do, and I wasn’t involved? Well, they do that a lot, but they are adults and I’m a kid, I don’t HAVE to do everything they do. In fact I know they need time on their own, away from me. Even though I think everything should be focused around me. Even though it doesn’t, what I want isn’t MORE important than what THEY want, but it also isn’t NOT important. Sometimes I feel as though they don’t see it as important, even though I know they know it is.

Sometimes I just have to be patient and wait my turn to get my way.

Moral of the story is if you expect others to do what you want to do, you’re going to have to do something they want to do. Otherwise you are being selfish.

Signed,

Anonymous

A Short Backstory - My Story

I know I’ve said in previous “My Story” posts that I have dealt with bullying, as well as addictions in the past. However one thing that many do not know is, I’m also in a certain 20% of the female population. Despite that, I refuse to be seen as either a statistic or as a victim. I WAS a victim, but currently, I believe I am an overcomer.

Now, to delve a little deeper into my childhood.

I was six years old when it first happened. I was on my own in my clubhouse in my grandparents backyard. My cousin came up to join me, at the time, he and I were really close. That was when the first incident occurred, the time I was first molested. It didn’t really affect me that much at the time, because I didn’t understand what happened. There were several incidents over the years, but it stopped when he turned eighteen (18). It had gone on for about three and a half years. Now I’m almost an adult, I won’t say I’ve forgiven him, I won’t say that I’ve moved on, and I won’t say that I am OK. There are feelings that one can only understand by going through that.

In the rest of this post, I will attempt to describe my journey. What had happened didn’t really sink in right away, actually I didn’t understand all of it until I was in highschool. I guess that it may have been a measure of self-preservation. Once it did hit, it was much much harder to deal with, along with understanding what happened, came all of the emotions. It had taken me about eleven years to be able to tell someone about it.

The couple years after I understood what happened I spent trying to forget. I was having one of the hardest battles with myself that I had ever dealt with. Even with the  years of bullying. It’s one thing to be bullied and to be treated like you are worthless by someone you aren’t related to, it is so much harder to cope after having someone that you are related to, and whom you trusted treat you like that. What my cousin did bears no physical scars, but the emotional scars are there forever. He fractured my self-esteem, killed my trust; even among family, above all that, he caused me to question myself.  

After all that, I was always wondering; wondering if I was only worth a good time, that someone could easily just put a price on me. Wondering if I was even worth love at all. To this day I still wonder about that, wondering why anyone could love, or even deal with a broken, scared girl like me.

By the time I had told my family about it, that made it harder. Even though over the years I was able to contain my thoughts, and hide it for so long, once it was out in the open I found it much harder to control my anger, distrust and hurt toward him. The majority of my family at the time didn’t, and some still don’t, understand that it will take a while, even longer than I have already dealt with it to be able to forgive him. Now that everyone knows, it seems like they expect me to just move on, that is easier said than done.

My story isn’t out here because I want people to feel sorry for me, it’s not there so I can get attention, It’s here for people to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will be OK, I will eventually move on, I will eventually forgive him. I will NOT however forget. There are days that I won’t think about it, that it doesn’t bother me and that I almost don’t remember it. Then there are days that it haunts me, those nights where I can’t think of anything else, where all I can do is remember the many days I spent having fun, worry-free.

I will say one thing, that the saying “ignorance is bliss” is true.

Signed,

Anonymous

Who are We?

"Who am I?" don't we all ask that question at some point or another? Well, I have an answer

to who we all are; just maybe not the answer you are looking for.

We are who we make ourselves, our past doesn't define us; nor do other people, the only one

who can define us is, well; us. Just because your past isn't the best, and you were abused and mistreated doesn't give an excuse for you to be all "poor me". If you don't think you can do something, try! You'll never know if you don't try.

If you have friends that are trying to help by just listening, you are not wasting their time by talking to

them, if they aren't willing to listen, they are not true friends. All I am saying in this post you are, who you allow yourself to be. If all you allow is the negative thoughts, or negative memories, or negative past rule you, all you will ever think is that you are worthless, and not friend worthy, but you are not worthless, and everyone deserves a friend. Never believe anything else,no matter how much it has been driven into your head, don't believe it.

Do not allow yourself to stay downtrodden, and wallow in your self-pity, stop and think. Think about how you feel now, do you like how you are, do you like the current you? Most of us don't, I'm only just beginning to allow myself to believe I'm beautiful, and worth something. Begin to allow yourself to believe your friends when they tell you you are OK, that you are NOT worthless.

Signed,

Anonymous

Words DO Hurt!

I'm sure everyone has heard the phrase "Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words

will never hurt you". Well most of us know that is not true, words can hurt, and sometimes

can hurt more than "sticks and stones". Physical wounds can heal, but emotional wounds take

so much longer, and usually cannot heal without help from family, friend even a therapist.

For an example I'm going to use some of my personal experiences to show you what happens

when people use words instead of fists when bullying. Sometimes even physical bullying can

leave emotional scars, scars deeper than just the bruises.

Occasionally some bullies in my class during elementary school, would push me around and make fun of me, not for any reason in particular, but almost like it was a sport. What they didn't know is that it hurt me more when they called me names, it made me feel worthless, and that is worse than anyone punching me in the gut. Due to the bullying I've endured during both elementary and middle school, I'm quiet, reserved and skittish. Not so skittish as to be afraid of everyone, there are the few people whom I trust.

Signed,

Anonymous

Escapism and Addictions: My Story

Every single person on this planet has several things in common, the one that hits home most is addictions and escapism.  A few examples of addictions are: Drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc… We all know those, but did you know that even just things we do everyday can turn into an addiction? Some people are addicted to books, games, television, popularity, clothes, money, boys/girls, food. We use these things to escape our issues, whether we drown our sorrows with alcohol, or we read away our trouble in our favorite go-to books.  They are both as detrimental to us. Books can be as bad as alcohol or drugs. When people say ‘addiction’ everyone automatically goes toward the “bad stuff” such as: drinking, pornography and drugs. But rarely lean toward what else it could be.

When I was younger, I used to have several addictions, I still do have one or two, I’m trying to lay them down and walk away, but with any addiction it’s hard. If you have smoked, you know that you can’t “just quit because you need to” it’s a battle. Everyday I struggle with things. I either want to escape my chores by getting on the game I play, or going to go read for hours on end, because it feels like the false-reality of those things is better than reality. Starting in elementary school, yes, fifth grade; I had a friend who wasn’t a “normal” 10 year old. She was into boys, and clothes, and make-up. While I was totally clueless, she tried “teaching” me about all that stuff, I learned about sex far too early. Which in turn led me into one of the lowest points of my life that I am just now getting out of.

Now instead of pornography; I’m addicted to gaming, and to books. I still have trouble, but I know I can stop it with the help of friends and family. I never got into the crowd that smoked, or did drugs, or even the crowd that slept around. I just got into a friendship with someone that didn’t truly love herself, she thought she was only OK because guys would tell her she was “pretty” or
“hot”. She even had me believe that I was only pretty if I had guys falling all over me.

I know now that I’m beautiful no matter what anyone thinks. But that didn’t stop me from trying to be someone that I wasn’t. I tried being the “popular” girl, well as much as I could with how shy I was. Until I had my first boyfriend, which was a long distance relationship, I didn’t believe my family when they said I was pretty, I felt I needed the confirmation of a guy. Part of that is the fact that I never had a “dad” until this last year or so. I never had a daddy tell me I was pretty, I never had that confirmation. The amount that fathers have an effect on their kids is extraordinary, if they are not there ever, or are there but are abusive, that is how the kids will see them, always. No matter if they change.

So if there are any dad’s reading this, take the time to tell your kid/kids how much you love them, they NEED to hear it. Stopping addiction starts with love. I wasn’t an “unloved” child, but I was led into believing I was because I didn’t get EVERYTHING I wanted, I wasn’t spoiled, we didn’t have the money to be spoiled. My friend acted like she was happy when her parents were just trying to buy her love. Any parents reading this, you CANNOT buy love, no matter what you think you are doing, kids need real love, which may mean saying “no”.

I’m not trying to tell anyone how to take care of kids, are you kidding? I’m still a kid, but I know what it’s like to be led down the wrong path because I believed a lie told to me by someone I thought I could trust. Until I realized I was better off without friends like her, I was being a happy-go-lucky kid, following dumbly the person I thought knew everything.

After about six years struggling with about four addictions, I have let go of one almost two. It’s not an easy path letting them go; I know I will struggle with it, but I HAVE to stand strong, just like you should.  Addictions don’t only hurt yourself, they hurt the ones that love you most, your family and your friends.

I always knew what I was doing was wrong, but it felt so good, until the guilt came. It became harder and harder for me to hide it. I was afraid to tell someone, because I thought I would get into trouble, afraid I would get yelled at. I felt like because I watched pornography I was a bad person; that my family and friends would hate me. I was afraid that I would be abandoned because of  it. When I finally told my mom about it, she didn’t get mad, she didn’t yell, all she did was wrap me up in a big hug and told me how proud she  was of me for telling her. I was in tears because I was so relieved that I was OK, that she would love me NO MATTER WHAT.

Ever since I told her, it has been easier to avoid it, I don’t watch it anymore. I know that I AM OK. Addictions DO NOT make you a bad person, you are not a “bad person” if you drink, if you smoke, whatever your addiction may be, you are NOT a bad person.

You cannot allow your past to define you, and you cannot allow your bad choices to rule your life, you CAN get away from it. You CAN put down that cigarette; you CAN turn off that video, and YOU CAN get out of your addiction. The first step to recovery is to tell someone about it if it is secret, or to talk to someone about it, no one can get rid of it on their own. We all need help, no one person is enough to quit an addiction, no a firmly rooted one, and not a slight one.

I would never have been able to kick my addiction without help, if I hadn’t told my mom what I was doing, for how long I had been watching it, I would probably still be that lost little girl, trying to be someone she is not. I do not regret my addiction, I was not defeated by it, I did persevere through it.

My message for everyone in this is simply love one another, and if you see someone you know struggling with something, just ask if they want to talk. You can’t force anyone to stop something, but you can help them if they want to. If you have a friend who wants to stop smoking, or drinking, talk to them.  

Signed,

Anonymous